Finding Yourself

Finding yourself after coming out is difficult.  I came out later in life, and I feel that in my late 20′s I’m learning things that people should have learned when they were in high school and college.  I find myself regressing, partying and hanging out with my younger friends.  I feel like I missed out on that time of my life because I wasn’t really myself.  I was a shade of myself – a shell that was in denial of their true self.

I find that the more I get comfortable and lean into my true self, that I am so gay.  100%, no turning back and no room for doubt.  I used to have doubts…maybe I would fall for someone of the opposite sex.  But the more I find myself in situations with members of my own sex there’s really no denying it.  It almost shocks me sometimes how clear it is.

And I mourn all the lost time.  I would not quite call it wasted time – I was productive with my life, and did lots of worthwhile and fun things.  However I did miss out on intimacy and relationships and that feeling of being in love.  And that is one of life’s best feelings – the good, the bad, and the ugly of it.

I feel that I’m being taken through a crash course in all the teenage angst I missed out on – 10 years worth in a few months.  The first two months of 2014 have had enough drama to fill a few novels.  My heart has been beaten to a pulp, wrung out, and beaten again.  I like to think that I’m gathering experiences that will be important to me later in life – experiences that will help me understand characters I might write into a screenplay.  If I were to go from coming out to a happy relationship, I would never understand all the angst, the trials, the pain of having your heart broken in all these different ways.  I’m trying to look on the bright side of these experiences – as a writer you want to experience everything, you want to see different points of view, you want to know what things feel like.  If you don’t experience the ultimate highs and lows of the human experience you could never even begin to write about them.

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